At the laundromat,

My husband is an angel for putting up with me the way he does. I don't mean to sound like I'm all down on myself - I'm not - although today I did look my irritated frustration with my memory square in the face and realized I need to find and buy the PERFECT daily planner for myself because there are so many things I forget every. single. day. It's frustrating and pisses me off because I'm scared for my job and my relationships that might fall by the wayside even though I strongly care about people more than ANYTHING. Oh and then I literally FORGET to spend time with God. How does that happen? Anyway, today is different because on top of all the muscle and joint pain, the migraines, the digestion issues, lack of energy, sensitivity to smells, bad sleeping habits, I get to struggle with this stupid thing called sinus node tachycardia. Know what that feels like? Like a constant anxiety attack mixed with a panic attack and insane pressure on my chest. It's fun; shits and giggles.

I can't even have a full conversation with my husband because my introversion is coming out so strongly that I need full silence to even feel like I'm having even a slight hint of restoration and recharging-of-the-mind. I'm scared and overwhelmed and ... right there my fingers froze because I hardly know how to communicate the type of pain I feel. It's like a deep, dark pit but my brain is so effing foggy that I can't even really realize or remember that I'm in it. As if the tossing and turning in my sleep last night wasn't enough, this anxiety in my chest (Sidenote: Dan suffers from anxiety and this season of my tachycardia acting up is helping me to relate and empathize with him like never before.) pushes me over the edge and what do I do? The only freaking thing I can do, and that is push on. When so much of the population and medical field don't even believe in the disease, when so many others can't get over the fact of how "normal" and "well" I look, and the others just have no idea I'm even suffering... it's seriously the invisible disease and... that's disheartening and discouraging.

I believe God's Word though and I believe His love is enough and I believe that He is my Savior.
I can't come up with words from the Bible right now,
but I can believe and know that He is my victory and He is here.
And that's all I need, despite the fear and depression and pain.
He comforts me.